I’m depressed again ! That’s it,that’s the whole thing,I’m depressed! It doesn’t matter why,it can be anything ,nothing or everything,small things,big things ,nothing at all.I’m not bitching about it or looking for pity,I just thought I’d make a note of it.
Very few people(only my mom actually and not even she knows well)know that I am depressive and I’ve always been like that,I’ve never written about it anywhere,never complained to anyone just kept it to myself.Most of the time no one even knew because I never acted on it in public.I realize most people have their own shit to think about so why should and why would they give a shit or have to give a shit on how I feel.Maybe that’s the long term effect of dealing with family issues growing up(having a nice,caring but absentee father who died anyway when I was 14,my grandpa dying when I was 12 – he used to take care of me all day while my mom was at work – ,financial shit that almost came after dad died and left a slightly unclear situation regarding his share of the company he was manager of,my moms struggle with this,being quite bored of most people I’ve ever met,low self-esteem).I never clearly manifested myself and looked/felt more or less unaffected after each of these experiences but I knew it was going to have long term effects.Now,I’m pessimistic about many things (especially when it comes to making my dreams come true),I have a terrible fear of illness and doctors(not them as people but them as in what it means going to see one),I rarely trust anyone completely,I can’t concentrate on studying and goals ,can’t find determination or motivation,etc.
On top of all that I also feel guilty for being like this,perpetually unsatisfied ,because I have a comfortable life,a great mother and a couple of very good friends.I don’t mean to be ungrateful,I’m not ungrateful and I realize 80% of the people in this world live a life of poverty ,illness and unhappiness at a level I’ve never known and hope to never feel but there are always certain things that I desperately want,some of them would be considered stupid and lame by many people but I don’t care,I always have things that bother me about myself ,I feel like a big loser who was given great intellect but manages to waste it by not managing to channel any ambition.I guess you can’t control,I can’t control what and how I feel it.
Now I have to finish 2 chapters of my diploma paper to present them in the exam session that will start in around 3 weeks(but I have to finish before that because the coordinator must look at it) and I did absolutely nothing,I don’t even know where to start,I can’t decide upon a title and I’m scared out of my wits because I know there’s a high probability I won’t graduate from this fucked up university.
I’m so mad on myself for not having this ambition ,this will to work and study and concentrate because it stopped me from applying to a foreign university in the UK or US and study what I really wanted to study in a place that gave me opportunities to continue and make a living out of my specialty(I would have studied history/archeology,something like that,it’s what I would have liked to do).I suck at math and economics,always did ,always will and that’s exactly what we do in this fucking university,had to study this if I want to have a chance in this country ruled fucking idiots.
Well,this isn’t making me feel better and yet it sorta’ does because I feel like I’ve shared what I feel with someone.
Fuck it,I’d better stop dreaming of stuff altogether and just admit my failure.And on top of all this,I disappoint my mother too,she who sacrificed her personal life to make sure I had everything I needed.
Yeah,don’t worry,I really am good spirited,sarcastic and funny(well,I at least amuse myself so I think i have a sense of humor :D)so the usual posting style will continue.
PS – RIP Lavinia ! She was my mom’s cousin(through marriage with my mom’s actual cousin “dduuuuuh” LOL).She was only 40 years old and her youngest of 2 sons was born the same day with my father and my parents are his godparents.Strange enough she died exactly the same day my dad died(26 of December)and of almost the same disease.Life’s a bitch like that.
PS 2 – the above story is not the reason of my depression,we weren’t very close! I mean,we were getting along really well but they lived in a different city so it’s not like we frequented eachother.Still,I mentioned it because she was a nice woman and because of the coincidence.
Now just to end on a more interesting ,positive ,funny note………..something Hugh Laurie related(like you didn’t see it coming!!!).Ok,so ,I was bored and found an older picture from an older event and decided to do what I had been meaning to do ever since I first found the picture : remove the red eye effect from it using my crappy red-eye removing skills in photoshop. Feel free to feel amused by this.It’s not bad but since it was probably rather dark …….well you’ll see.
The first one (clicky for full view,as always) is the “after” picture and the second one is the “before” picture