It’s almost Christmas and , for someone with my status, Christmas (just like every other holiday or every other weekend or every other day) should be a fun ,pleasant time. Sadly, for this 22 yro, having a seemingly *easy* life ,not having to work yet,having enough to lead a materially satisfying life , didn’t equal happiness.
Today,the 23rd of December I am 22 years 6 months and 1 day old and I feel like a failure who just can’t manage to get a grip,put laziness aside,put dreams aside also and start building a future. I’m just a 22yro who couldn’t even complete the diploma paper in time and might not finish it now either just cause I’m sad and that makes it even harder to force myself to do what is necessary .
Have you ever dreamed of the perfect Christmas/b-day/day ? I would make a poll but I bet no one’s gonna’ read this stupid rant anyway.
Well, I have. I’m not the kind of “romantic” or “dreamer” who likes to read romance novels and love stories or watch silly movies about that and I don’t want candle lit dinners and dozens of roses or anything corny like that . Still, I am a dreamer and a romantic . I spend most of my day dreaming of the perfect day,of the perfect place,a perfect life,a perfect version of myself, a perfect relationship,etc. By perfect I don’t actually mean flawless (I don’t think there’s such a thing when talking of anything human related or human made )and I would not like perfection even if I saw it so ,what I mean by perfect is just something that would make me happy,that would make me say “yes,this is exactly where/who/what/with whom I want to be.
So,yes, I dreamed all my life of a perfect Christmas. Now,I consider myself an adult with some maturity , I have a certain gravity but I also have and will forever have, a kid inside of me and that kid still wants shiny stuff,to run around in the snow,play games or,in this case, have a perfect Christmas.
My Christmases have generally been better than most people’s . I realize that most people live in poverty,they can barely sustain themselves and their families,etc so I was lucky to have a nice ,safe roof over my head, a Christmas tree and presents but that’s not it. I love presents in any shape or form and at any time but the perfect Christmas for me means more than that. The Perfect Christmas would be a white Christmas somewhere in a beautiful city,preferably a small village/resort in the mountains,somewhere with an atmosphere,in a cabin or cozy house all decorated(with taste),a fireplace,a big tree and time spent in those places with my mother,maybe one or two close friends + that special someone. Something like that, I never had. We had enough money to go to such a place but since we were never such a close knit family ,we never did that.
The worst Christmas was in 2001 when my dad died on the 26th of December and we were expecting it any day so that was Christmas. I don’t even remember if I got a present then, I might have,not sure and I don’t remember if we put up a tree,probably not.
Best Christmas was in 2005 when I convinced my mom to go to Vienna for Christmas. Then I experienced a city with a proper atmosphere,we were basically travelling and that’s a bit passion of mine, we were away from our pretty but rather lonely home, my Vatican hobby was pleasantly tickled by getting to meet one of the well known Cardinals and he was incredibly nice so it was a great moment and it even snowed in the last couple of days.
The usual Christmas is spent just like another regular day but with more food and maybe my grandma comes over,possibly a family friend . The mood is generally not great, mom is always sad cause she also dreamed of the perfect Christmas and never had it, I’m also sad and we pretend it’s all good.
This year Christmas comes while I am going through a rough patch emotionally,everything kinda’ escalated and reached a boiling point this year so the lack of this perfect Christmas, the loneliness,sadness ,lack of self-worth and self-esteem,thinking I’m a loser cause of this diploma shit just makes it worse,they hurt more. This year we don’t even have a tree,there’s absolutely no Christmas decoration whatsoever,hearing Christmas carols in stores or on tv is annoying and painful ,
I’m just sorry because I’m 22, things should be different. I’m not stupid ,I’m not poor, I’m a nice,normal person who could do a lot of good things with her life but I’m stuck and I can’t get up on my own, I also sorta’ don’t want to get up on my own , I want what I want and nothing short of it is gonna’ suffice and this stubborness ,this inability to be strong and pick myself up might ruin what could have been the chance at a good life, could waste all the opportunities life threw my way and it’s a shame and I feel extremely sorry and ashamed and scared of it all being taken away cause I don’t deserve it .
I’ve been told it’s in my nature to be unhappy,perhaps cause I have gotten used to it in a way or something like that, not sure.
Right now ,if my dreams,if my emotional issues and needs can’t be taken care of ,I almost wish to become totally cynical,cold,to just not give a crap about anything but money,career,buying stuff,visiting places,watching tv shows.
You can’t always get what you want and sometimes you can’t even get what you need.
If you read all this rant then you have all my admiration and respect(for what it’s worth),thank you !
Merry Christmas, have fun, stay healthy and joyful !