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Madness fills my heart and soul as if the gread divide could swallow me whole. Oh,how I’m breaking down

19 Apr

Have you ever been in such a state that you seriously contemplated killing yourself?
Well, I am in that state. Problem is I can’t do it,not yet.
I love the idea of living,being alive,the biggest gift of them all and I learned that when I witnessed my grandpa first and then my father waste away in just a few months from the same terrible disease. Throughout my adolescence and late teens I always told myself whenever I was having a down period that it’s all good because I am alive and well and the rest can be fixed,good times are coming.
Now, 2 months before my 23rd b-day, I still think life is important but that’s honestly the only thing keeping me from ending it,the fear of death,of nothingness ,the thought of my life ending without my dreams coming true. But my dreams, I killed them, I look at them as they are just distant echos of someone I used to be but never really was,of someone I could have become if only..
Sadly,I am weak,I’m emotionally a wreck,can’t pick myself up,can’t focus on anything but my emotional struggle and needs,the self-hatred .
I told my therapist many times I wish I could just kill myself and get over with it but I just can’t and he told me that suicide is not only of the killing yourself kind ,that I’m killing myself socially a little more every day,that everything I do is a form of suicide.
It would have been so easy for none of this to happen right now,so easy but impossible for me. One thing,only one thing would have been enough,one fulfillment,one dream but I am not worthy enough,not important enough,not enough in general .
My life at the moment, life as in actual living, is gone, dead . All there is now is an existence filled of such emotional pain that I have to think of suicide as the one relief because the salvation I need is not gonna come and no one’s gonna’ help me get it .
It’s fashionable and cool to say you’re damaged but when you actually are,when everything you are,when you’ve lost the ability to be happy…saying you’re damaged isn’t cool,it’s painful,a painful reality.
I feel weak,inside and out,powerless,aimless. I’ve given up on everything and will just lie down in bed and see what happens. This will end up fucking my mom up even more when she will realize that I have given up,that I’m basically throwing any bit of perspective and my very future away with what she thinks of as “no reason” .
I wish someone had helped me get what I want,what I need, I wish my happiness was important enough,I wish I meant enough in this world to get the chance to have this one thing but I guess it’s not gonna’ happen and nobody cares that I died on the inside.
Every day gets harder and harder and I honestly don’t know how I can live with myself like this even until the next day. But maybe if I stay in bed long enough I will lose my lucidity and there will be emotional relief ,dying without actual death .
Still, I think that even if I deserve it,even if it’s my fault or my stupid personalities fault, it’s not fair. I’m just 22 and I am a good person.
See,I’m not gonna’ be able to live an unhappy life,I can’t be unhappy because I know how it’s like to be unhappy,my mom has always been unhappy and it’s just not right,I don’t want that for myself.
Oh well,not like anyone’s gonna miss my lovely presence,a little whiny,unimportant ,insignificant bitch from a god forsaken country in europe.

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2 Comments

Posted by on 19/04/2010 in random

 

Tags: , ,

2 responses to “Madness fills my heart and soul as if the gread divide could swallow me whole. Oh,how I’m breaking down

  1. Kathryn Aeveana

    22/07/2010 at 7:38 AM

    I am with you, in my God foresaken Country

     
  2. Dana

    01/09/2010 at 10:51 PM

    Hi….oh i can relate to you in many ways and can share my continuing breakdown/madness/and loss of soul with you?
    However, I’ve been in this state for the past two years and therapy for a year….so have gained a lot more insight….the pain is still immense though and the confusion that surrounds this intrusive/painful/and soul breaking state still has its hold on me.

    I know for me it is so so so important to find others on here who can relate to at least some of how i feel – takes the edge of “im a freak and very alone with this”.

    I noticed this is quite an old post….and couldn’t help but reply just incase you still check here…..partly for my own selfish reasons and partly because I would like to share what i can with you in order to at least help you see your not alone.

    Reply back if you would like to correspond.
    Take care
    D x

     

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