Have you ever felt like your life was in ruins even though it shouldn’t be? No? Yes? Well, I feel just like that right now,been feeling this way ,more and more so, in the past 2 years. Normally, someone my age and in my general condition shouldn’t feel that way, I should be on my way to building a future, a life while enjoying life as a 20something yro. what am I doing instead? None of the things I should be doing. I’m miserable and stuck in an endless and endlessly boring routine, feeling more and more unhappy,unsatisfied,alone and trapped with every single day that passes. I sink deeper and deeper and I’m partly doing it to myself cause of my tendencies to make myself unhappy and obsess over everything.
Everyday I think about my life,about how I’m wasting my life and every single day I feel more and more like my dreams,desires,everything I wanted in life in general and from myself or to achieve,everything is getting further and further away, slowly disappearing,dying,becoming unreachable . I look for someone to help me, for something palpable to hold on to but there’s nothing,no one,no help and what I desperately need right now to help me at least get me a little closer to seeing the light at the end of my emotional dark,lonely tunnel,that what I need is unreachable because that’s just my luck,because I’m a small ,useless piece of shit who doesn’t matter on this planet,because I wish too much and too out of my reach,because I’m just not good enough or capable enough. I just wish my deepest dreams and desires would come true for once, that I could get what I want ,that I could rest,that I could feel and feel better ,that I could get the burden off for a while,rest. But, that won’t happen, I’m too small,useless and shitty for that.
But hey, in the end,who cares? In the end no one gives a shit about some annonymous idiot on the internet . Just one more unhappy person on the internet, right? *Get a nr and join the queue* some would say *go cry bitterly in a pillow and leave us alone* others would say and maybe I really shouldn’t be complaining when most people in this world have it 10 times as rough, *real* prblems ,some would call them.
Whatever, nothing will come out of this, nothing ever comes out of anything but the deeper I sink in the dark pit of my mind,the less I care about what people think of me whining .
In fact I just wrote this because my therapist said my blog doesn’t really reflect my general mood and maybe I should let it show so here it is although I doubt he’ll read this blog again so he can see I’m a good little puppy ….if only it could help.
Now I will go back to my routine until it’s time to go to bed and spend yet another restless night with poor quality sleep that will let me feeling tired and drousy to tackle tomorrows routine which will be just like every single day : get up,eat,waste time in front of the pc miserably,eat,do the pc shit again,go to bed. Oh well….
Had fun? Was this fun for you? No? YOu didn’t even read it? Whatever….