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The incoherent whining of a pathetic,sad,hopeless and probably ungrateful young blogger AKA me

24 Oct

I’m here to bring you yet another whiny abstract post ! I think this blog should be called “Ada’s House of Whining” (yeah,inspired by the famous line from back in the 3rd season of House when the show was still smart and not a pathetic soap opera) but to tell you the truth , I don’t give a damn about what you all think and it’s not cause I’m an arrogant bitch,which I am not(it would be oh so good though), but because the beauty of written rants is that they don’t have to disturb anyone since no one is forcing anyone to read ,any written text in this world can be ignored unless it’s on a 30 m large banner or something similar to that.

I just want to be happy , I mean really happy, satisfied, warm on the inside, not alone ,miserable ,unloved and lost but what I want I can never get and I am worried I will lose my mind very soon , I don’t deserve to be this emotionally unhappy when I could have such a good life and a good time but I CANNOT FUCKING HAVE WHAT I FUCKING NEED FOR FUCKS SAKE cause I’m just a silly little piece of worthless shit !

As anyone who gives a damn about this humble,insignificant blogger and actually reads the posts I make knows , I am or at least feel depressed which in fact comes from feeling emotionally unhappy . Yeah, I know and I’ve admitted it before, I have a pretty good life in terms of financial security ,responsibilities (or lack thereof) and possible opportunities in this God forsaken country so I’m not saying I’m unlucky , I’m only saying I’m unlucky when it comes to emotional fulfillment of most types that don’t have anything to do with the forever existing joy of receiving anything for free in any sort of gift,material form. I am probably overreacting but I really got to the conclusion (a sad conclusion to get to when you’re 22 and everything looks ok from the outside) that I will never really be emotionally happy or get what I need.

See,for all my strengths in all sorts of areas, I am emotionally weak, small things affect me greatly even without me noticing it and I’m plagued by insecurities,stupid insecurities, lack of self-esteem and a tendency to be very introspective to the point of obsession . I also over-think, overreact, over-analyze, I’m extremely passionate and I used to be a dreamer although not in a naive way .

Lately I’ve been losing myself, losing control of my emotional state and have discovered that things that seem and probably are small compared to what others have to go through during their childhood, affected me and the way I see the world and myself. I a lost the ability to hope for anything good when it comes to my emotional fulfillment , the only hopes I still have are to have a healthy,long life and somewhat financially secure which is important seeing as most people in the world live below the poverty line but just not sufficient for me and I don’t think it’s something selfish of me because I didn’t steal or take food from anyone’s mouth and I’m not some millionaire. I am one of those people who have a very intense emotional existence, for whom that side is very important and I’ve never felt really fulfilled or even loved apart from maternal love. Now I feel alone, unhappy , unloved ,unimportant, insignificant , pathetic and hopeless . What I want ,what I desperately need in this life and right now I clearly can’t get and I can’t do anything about it ,it’s just how I am and where I am . It is very hard to handle this pain so I let it consume me and it will only get worse but it doesn’t matter because I don’t matter or don’t deserve such happiness or both. I am smart but I feel stupid, I am a normal looking person but I feel disgusting , I could make a good life for myself but I’m wasting everything including my days by existing instead of living .

Now to clarify : NO,no, don’t think of anything very dramatic in my childhood, I wasn’t abused or seen anyone being abused but we weren’t exactly the perfect family in the sense that my dad left home when I was an infant and until the age of 7 he only came to visit once every couple of evenings and spent one day from morning to afternoon with me during the weekend . Then ,at age 7 , he and mom decided to buy a bigger apartment together so I could grow with both parents in the same house but they weren’t acting like husband and wife or anything,weren’t fighting but I slept with mom and dad slept in what was my room during the day , he wasn’t home until in the evening cause he worked so I guess I have some feelings of neglect although I am not conscious of them. He died on the 26th of December 2001 and the worst thing I remained with from that was the slight hypochondria,a terrible fear of illnesses ,diseases . Of course my mom was never a particularly happy woman. Don’t get me wrong, she’s fun, she’s terribly kind and selfless but she is unhappy, she didn’t start over and that’s probably cause she was too busy taking care of me and cause she doesn’t exactly trust people. She’s also very realistic and she likes to help by pointing out every error and flaw so you can fix it.

There, I ranted ,if anyone reads this…..well,you’re very patient and kind, I’m sorry for wasting your time

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3 Comments

Posted by on 24/10/2009 in random

 

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3 responses to “The incoherent whining of a pathetic,sad,hopeless and probably ungrateful young blogger AKA me

  1. RollerGurl

    22/11/2009 at 5:28 AM

    You didn’t waste my time. I’m praying for you. I know how you feel about God but he DOES care about you. Even if you don’t believe in him why not pray that IF there is a God, that He’ll make Himself known to you? You have nothing to lose 🙂

     
    • ada22

      22/11/2009 at 2:33 PM

      Well, I was never a strong believer but now I’m not at all. I believe there is a force out there that could be explained scientifically but ,just like other forces and elements in the universe, is yet to be discovered and it acts like a sort of higher power, I believe in luck to some point and in fate to some point but I don’t think the God in the Bible exists.
      It’s good for you if you take strength from this but I honestly think you’re not having the best attitude ,you should live your life as your life, do what you want ,don’t wait for God to *talk* to you, you only have one life,don’t waste it.
      I’m emotionally in a very bad place and I used to pray to anything or anyone who could help , I used to pray to get what I need but I don’t ,I didn’t and now this emotional issue is making me waste my life , spend 90% of my time in front of the PC,secluded from most of the world, I might not manage to graduate this February because I can’t concentrate and motivate myself to write my diploma paper (that happened this summer too) and I’m not getting the help I want, I’m not getting what I need and there was nothing to stop me from needing it in the first place so my emotional unhappiness is going to follow me and where is God ! God, even if he exists, is not going to interfere and maybe that’s the right thing because we have a conscience ,we can choose for ourselves so we do that , I don’t care about Heaven or Hell,I care about what I have now,about my life,that’s a certainty.

       
  2. Kate

    03/12/2009 at 12:14 PM

    Perhaps you are clinically depressed. Does depression run in your family? You mentioned that your mom was unhappy. Do you think she was clinically depressed? There IS help for that IF that is what is wrong.
    I disagree with you about God. I pray often since accepting Jesus in to my life and I have many answers to prayers…some miracles really. Maybe just give Him a chance to help you? But first you MUST believe in Jesus and that he died on the cross for your sins. I know you find this very hard to believe, but it is very real to me and millions of other people. Can we ALL be wrong?
    I’m not sure anyone has everything they need in their life. Maybe we are suppose to be happy with the blessings that we do have. Or maybe we have to decide what is most important to us and be determined to get it by DOING and PRAYING about it. I know one thing, life it far too short to waste a moment of it.
    You are very young. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
    People find happiness at all different times in their lives. Try to get out more….date….try to have fun. Try not to think about how unhappy you are and maybe you will find some happiness.
    I wish you the best of luck in finding what you need.

     

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