It’s almost Christmas and , for someone with my status, Christmas (just like every other holiday or every other weekend or every other day) should be a fun ,pleasant time. Sadly, for this 22 yro, having a seemingly *easy* life ,not having to work yet,having enough to lead a materially satisfying life , didn’t equal happiness.
Today,the 23rd of December I am 22 years 6 months and 1 day old and I feel like a failure who just can’t manage to get a grip,put laziness aside,put dreams aside also and start building a future. I’m just a 22yro who couldn’t even complete the diploma paper in time and might not finish it now either just cause I’m sad and that makes it even harder to force myself to do what is necessary .

Have you ever dreamed of the perfect Christmas/b-day/day ? I would make a poll but I bet no one’s gonna’ read this stupid rant anyway.
Well, I have. I’m not the kind of “romantic” or “dreamer” who likes to read romance novels and love stories or watch silly movies about that and I don’t want candle lit dinners and dozens of roses or anything corny like that . Still, I am a dreamer and a romantic . I spend most of my day dreaming of the perfect day,of the perfect place,a perfect life,a perfect version of myself, a perfect relationship,etc. By perfect I don’t actually mean flawless (I don’t think there’s such a thing when talking of anything human related or human made )and I would not like perfection even if I saw it so ,what I mean by perfect is just something that would make me happy,that would make me say “yes,this is exactly where/who/what/with whom I want to be.

So,yes, I dreamed all my life of a perfect Christmas. Now,I consider myself an adult with some maturity , I have a certain gravity but I also have and will forever have, a kid inside of me and that kid still wants shiny stuff,to run around in the snow,play games or,in this case, have a perfect Christmas.
My Christmases have generally been better than most people’s . I realize that most people live in poverty,they can barely sustain themselves and their families,etc so I was lucky to have a nice ,safe roof over my head, a Christmas tree and presents but that’s not it. I love presents in any shape or form and at any time but the perfect Christmas for me means more than that. The Perfect Christmas would be a white Christmas somewhere in a beautiful city,preferably a small village/resort in the mountains,somewhere with an atmosphere,in a cabin or cozy house all decorated(with taste),a fireplace,a big tree and time spent in those places with my mother,maybe one or two close friends + that special someone. Something like that, I never had. We had enough money to go to such a place but since we were never such a close knit family ,we never did that.

The worst Christmas was in 2001 when my dad died on the 26th of December and we were expecting it any day so that was Christmas. I don’t even remember if I got a present then, I might have,not sure and I don’t remember if we put up a tree,probably not.
Best Christmas was in 2005 when I convinced my mom to go to Vienna for Christmas. Then I experienced a city with a proper atmosphere,we were basically travelling and that’s a bit passion of mine, we were away from our pretty but rather lonely home, my Vatican hobby was pleasantly tickled by getting to meet one of the well known Cardinals and he was incredibly nice so it was a great moment and it even snowed in the last couple of days.
The usual Christmas is spent just like another regular day but with more food and maybe my grandma comes over,possibly a family friend . The mood is generally not great, mom is always sad cause she also dreamed of the perfect Christmas and never had it, I’m also sad and we pretend it’s all good.
This year Christmas comes while I am going through a rough patch emotionally,everything kinda’ escalated and reached a boiling point this year so the lack of this perfect Christmas, the loneliness,sadness ,lack of self-worth and self-esteem,thinking I’m a loser cause of this diploma shit just makes it worse,they hurt more. This year we don’t even have a tree,there’s absolutely no Christmas decoration whatsoever,hearing Christmas carols in stores or on tv is annoying and painful ,
I’m just sorry because I’m 22, things should be different. I’m not stupid ,I’m not poor, I’m a nice,normal person who could do a lot of good things with her life but I’m stuck and I can’t get up on my own, I also sorta’ don’t want to get up on my own , I want what I want and nothing short of it is gonna’ suffice and this stubborness ,this inability to be strong and pick myself up might ruin what could have been the chance at a good life, could waste all the opportunities life threw my way and it’s a shame and I feel extremely sorry and ashamed and scared of it all being taken away cause I don’t deserve it .

I’ve been told it’s in my nature to be unhappy,perhaps cause I have gotten used to it in a way or something like that, not sure.
Right now ,if my dreams,if my emotional issues and needs can’t be taken care of ,I almost wish to become totally cynical,cold,to just not give a crap about anything but money,career,buying stuff,visiting places,watching tv shows.

You can’t always get what you want and sometimes you can’t even get what you need.

If you read all this rant then you have all my admiration and respect(for what it’s worth),thank you !

Merry Christmas, have fun, stay healthy and joyful !

We got snow today, the first snow of this winter and I hope not the last snow (although in the last years with the climate change,we get less and less snow). I love snow, I love bad weather in general but I especially love snow and I love it cause it’s something that doesn’t happen often ,something that changes the scenery,it’s fun to watch snow fall.Hell,I even like shoveling snow even if it makes my back hurt.
Snow today actually got me out of the house(which rarely happens without it being necessary ,since I am emotionally NOT good at all) for a spontaneous,random walk in the park (where I was almost the only one walking around cause the wind was blowing,the snow was falling hard and it was a work day). Had the camera with me,took some crappy picture.
Also, I took the little dog out to play in the snow for a bit so I took pics of that too

I’m here to bring you yet another whiny abstract post ! I think this blog should be called “Ada’s House of Whining” (yeah,inspired by the famous line from back in the 3rd season of House when the show was still smart and not a pathetic soap opera) but to tell you the truth , I don’t give a damn about what you all think and it’s not cause I’m an arrogant bitch,which I am not(it would be oh so good though), but because the beauty of written rants is that they don’t have to disturb anyone since no one is forcing anyone to read ,any written text in this world can be ignored unless it’s on a 30 m large banner or something similar to that.

I just want to be happy , I mean really happy, satisfied, warm on the inside, not alone ,miserable ,unloved and lost but what I want I can never get and I am worried I will lose my mind very soon , I don’t deserve to be this emotionally unhappy when I could have such a good life and a good time but I CANNOT FUCKING HAVE WHAT I FUCKING NEED FOR FUCKS SAKE cause I’m just a silly little piece of worthless shit !

As anyone who gives a damn about this humble,insignificant blogger and actually reads the posts I make knows , I am or at least feel depressed which in fact comes from feeling emotionally unhappy . Yeah, I know and I’ve admitted it before, I have a pretty good life in terms of financial security ,responsibilities (or lack thereof) and possible opportunities in this God forsaken country so I’m not saying I’m unlucky , I’m only saying I’m unlucky when it comes to emotional fulfillment of most types that don’t have anything to do with the forever existing joy of receiving anything for free in any sort of gift,material form. I am probably overreacting but I really got to the conclusion (a sad conclusion to get to when you’re 22 and everything looks ok from the outside) that I will never really be emotionally happy or get what I need.

See,for all my strengths in all sorts of areas, I am emotionally weak, small things affect me greatly even without me noticing it and I’m plagued by insecurities,stupid insecurities, lack of self-esteem and a tendency to be very introspective to the point of obsession . I also over-think, overreact, over-analyze, I’m extremely passionate and I used to be a dreamer although not in a naive way .

Lately I’ve been losing myself, losing control of my emotional state and have discovered that things that seem and probably are small compared to what others have to go through during their childhood, affected me and the way I see the world and myself. I a lost the ability to hope for anything good when it comes to my emotional fulfillment , the only hopes I still have are to have a healthy,long life and somewhat financially secure which is important seeing as most people in the world live below the poverty line but just not sufficient for me and I don’t think it’s something selfish of me because I didn’t steal or take food from anyone’s mouth and I’m not some millionaire. I am one of those people who have a very intense emotional existence, for whom that side is very important and I’ve never felt really fulfilled or even loved apart from maternal love. Now I feel alone, unhappy , unloved ,unimportant, insignificant , pathetic and hopeless . What I want ,what I desperately need in this life and right now I clearly can’t get and I can’t do anything about it ,it’s just how I am and where I am . It is very hard to handle this pain so I let it consume me and it will only get worse but it doesn’t matter because I don’t matter or don’t deserve such happiness or both. I am smart but I feel stupid, I am a normal looking person but I feel disgusting , I could make a good life for myself but I’m wasting everything including my days by existing instead of living .

Now to clarify : NO,no, don’t think of anything very dramatic in my childhood, I wasn’t abused or seen anyone being abused but we weren’t exactly the perfect family in the sense that my dad left home when I was an infant and until the age of 7 he only came to visit once every couple of evenings and spent one day from morning to afternoon with me during the weekend . Then ,at age 7 , he and mom decided to buy a bigger apartment together so I could grow with both parents in the same house but they weren’t acting like husband and wife or anything,weren’t fighting but I slept with mom and dad slept in what was my room during the day , he wasn’t home until in the evening cause he worked so I guess I have some feelings of neglect although I am not conscious of them. He died on the 26th of December 2001 and the worst thing I remained with from that was the slight hypochondria,a terrible fear of illnesses ,diseases . Of course my mom was never a particularly happy woman. Don’t get me wrong, she’s fun, she’s terribly kind and selfless but she is unhappy, she didn’t start over and that’s probably cause she was too busy taking care of me and cause she doesn’t exactly trust people. She’s also very realistic and she likes to help by pointing out every error and flaw so you can fix it.

There, I ranted ,if anyone reads this…..well,you’re very patient and kind, I’m sorry for wasting your time

On the 17th of September I left on a 3 week vacation . The first part of the trip consisted of short visits through Jordan,Syria and Lebanon and the second part was all fun and recreation in Egypt’s,Sharm el Sheikh .
Jordan – a beautiful country,they all were, that surprised me because I didn’t expect it to be quite so modern (I’m talking about the capital,Amman). Amman is slowly becoming a quaint city,beautiful buildings and atmosphere,not too crowded except for a few areas,great infrastructure,wonderful people,lots to see and do. The main 2 attractions for me in Jordan were Petra and the Dead Sea and they didn’t disappoint me at all. Petra was fabulous, one of the most amazing places in the whole world and it consists of so much more than that one facade everyone’s seen on tv or in pictures,it’s made up of various remains of different built structures made by the people who built that famous facade and the canyon you walk through to get to all those remains is stunning,full of color and charm. The Dead Sea is a beautiful body of water and it really is *that” salty, you do float and there are rock formations made of salt or rocks covered in salt on the shore (in the water there’s sand on the bottom). Also been to the place where they say Jesus was baptized in the water of the Jordan river and to another religious place I forgot(LOL) . Another great place was the ancient city of Jerash,lots of roman ruins,very nicely kept.
Syria – it has so many places to see,it has lots of history ,like an open air museum. Damascus is the oldest city in the world that was always occupied ,the old part is stunning,the maze of narrow streets and balconies,all the vendors and shops,many people walking around,the minarets,towers,the beautiful arabic style touches on parts of the buildings like the windows and arches ……all incredibly fascinating. I think the funnies part was buying ice-cream from an ice cream place in the old bazar because there’s no organized line,just a huge crowd of people shoving and pushing (but not with true aggressiveness)their way inside the shop ,to the counter and then pushing their way out of the shop with the ice cream over their heads (managed not to drop it btw ! that was a real victory ). We also visited Bosra where there’s a very big roman amphitheater made of dark stone cause of the volcanic past of the region),Maaloula where there are some old churches and it’s the only place where they still learn and speak Aramaic and last but definitely not least on our syrian experience were Palmyra and Crac de Chevaliers which are both very impressive with Palmyra being a big roman city with lots of well preserved stuff . The not fun stuff was staying in the border for 2 hours when we wanted to cross to Lebanon but at least we heard gunshots (less exciting than it sounds,just some idiots trying to smuggle some things out of the country so their car got shot at). Oh and we had the stupidest guide in the history of guides ,he was so stupid it was hard to be mad at him ,we laughed a lot in fact.
Lebanon – I think I am in love with Beirut . We stayed 3 hours in the custom(3 + 2 in the syrian border = 5 so still not my ultimate 7 hour record)and at one point some nice dude from the custom thought I was an artist (cause there apparently is an artist with the same name in their country) so we amused ourselves . Arrived in Beirut late ,around 22:30 or 23:00 and as we approached it along the coastline,the moon was shining brightly over the sea,the city lights could be seen all around ,it was amazing. Beirut is a wonderful city,full of life and joy just like its people. Everyone knows that Lebanon went through lots of turmoil in the past 30 or so years ,the civil war left Beirut in ruins but it rose from the “ashes” and managed to get where it is today even after the 2006 israeli attacks. Today it looks like a future Monaco to be honest. I’m sure there are poor,ugly areas and all that,saw a couple myself but the heart of the city,the more central parts ,the ones where the upper and middle classes live are pretty darn nice as far as I’m concerned and everywhere you look they are still building new and beautiful stuff . Beirut is for the most part pretty similar to mediteranean cities in Europe so u’ll feel right at home there. The people are fascinating,many are pretty european looking,they’re modern and opened,very fun,they know how to enjoy life and live every free moment and they love their country and city.Only stayed for 2 and a half days but I would go there again anytime and probably will go again in the future.
Egypt – 7th time there,only went to Sharm el Sheikh. It was lovely,the hotel was amazing (Hyatt Regency I’m pimping you ) and the Red Sea as warm and inviting as ever. The downside was that I got a bit sick,either an indigestion or a sunstroke or a bit of both (probably a bit of both) so I couldn’t enjoy the sea and fun for 2 days and I wasn’t in top shape during the rest cause of it. In the Egypt album you can see pics of the pyramids ,Cairo(with the Nile) and the Sinai mountains all taken from the plane).

Other than that………still depressed and it is only going to get worse,House sucks big time,never watching again especially since it leaked that Jennifer Morrison is leaving. Will make a post about Heroes and Supernatural cause I’m all over those and they are loads of fun .

Now for pics click on each of the links to the picasa albums

Jordan

Syria

Lebanon

Sharm el Sheikh

I’m depressed again ! That’s it,that’s the whole thing,I’m depressed! It doesn’t matter why,it can be anything ,nothing or everything,small things,big things ,nothing at all.I’m not bitching about it or looking for pity,I just thought I’d make a note of it.
Very few people(only my mom actually and not even she knows well)know that I am depressive and I’ve always been like that,I’ve never written about it anywhere,never complained to anyone just kept it to myself.Most of the time no one even knew because I never acted on it in public.I realize most people have their own shit to think about so why should and why would they give a shit or have to give a shit on how I feel.Maybe that’s the long term effect of dealing with family issues growing up(having a nice,caring but absentee father who died anyway when I was 14,my grandpa dying when I was 12 – he used to take care of me all day while my mom was at work – ,financial shit that almost came after dad died and left a slightly unclear situation regarding his share of the company he was manager of,my moms struggle with this,being quite bored of most people I’ve ever met,low self-esteem).I never clearly manifested myself and looked/felt more or less unaffected after each of these experiences but I knew it was going to have long term effects.Now,I’m pessimistic about many things (especially when it comes to making my dreams come true),I have a terrible fear of illness and doctors(not them as people but them as in what it means going to see one),I rarely trust anyone completely,I can’t concentrate on studying and goals ,can’t find determination or motivation,etc.
On top of all that I also feel guilty for being like this,perpetually unsatisfied ,because I have a comfortable life,a great mother and a couple of very good friends.I don’t mean to be ungrateful,I’m not ungrateful and I realize 80% of the people in this world live a life of poverty ,illness and unhappiness at a level I’ve never known and hope to never feel  but there are always certain things that I desperately want,some of them would be considered stupid and lame by many people but I don’t care,I always have things that bother me about myself ,I feel like a big loser who was given great intellect but manages to waste it by not managing to channel any ambition.I guess you can’t control,I can’t control what and how I feel it.

Now I have to finish 2 chapters of my diploma paper to present them in the exam session that will start in around 3 weeks(but I have to finish before that because the coordinator must look at it) and I did absolutely nothing,I don’t even know where to start,I can’t decide upon a title and I’m scared out of my wits because I know there’s a high probability I won’t graduate from this fucked up university.
I’m so mad on myself for not having this ambition ,this will to work and study and concentrate because it stopped me from applying to a foreign university in the UK or US and study what I really wanted to study in a place that gave me opportunities to continue and make a living out of my specialty(I would have studied history/archeology,something like that,it’s what I would have liked to do).I suck at math and economics,always did ,always will and that’s exactly what we do in this fucking university,had to study this if I want to have a chance in this country ruled fucking idiots.
Well,this isn’t making me feel better and yet it sorta’ does because I feel like I’ve shared what I feel with someone.

Fuck it,I’d better stop dreaming of stuff altogether and just admit my failure.And on top of all this,I disappoint my mother too,she who sacrificed her personal life to make sure I had everything I needed.

Yeah,don’t worry,I really am good spirited,sarcastic and funny(well,I at least amuse myself so I think i have a sense of humor )so the usual posting style will continue.
PS – RIP Lavinia ! She was my mom’s cousin(through marriage with my mom’s actual cousin “dduuuuuh” LOL).She was only 40 years old and her youngest of 2 sons was born the same day with my father and my parents are his godparents.Strange enough she died exactly the same day my dad died(26 of December)and of almost the same disease.Life’s a bitch like that.
PS 2 – the above story is not the reason of my depression,we weren’t very close! I mean,we were getting along really well but they lived in a different city so it’s not like we frequented eachother.Still,I mentioned it because she was a nice woman and because of the coincidence.

Now just to end on a more interesting ,positive ,funny note………..something Hugh Laurie related(like you didn’t see it coming!!!).Ok,so ,I was bored and found an older picture from an older event and decided to do what I had been meaning to do ever since I first found the picture : remove the red eye effect from it using my crappy red-eye removing skills in photoshop. Feel free to feel amused by this.It’s not bad but since it was probably rather dark …….well you’ll see.

The first one (clicky for full view,as always) is the “after” picture and the second one is the “before” picture

Deci CLAR,urasc practica !!! Ieri ,in prima zi,ne-am dus noi(vreo 6) + profesorul coordonator la agentia de turism unde profu’ a vorbit jumate’ de ora cu directoarea (timp in care noi am stat la intrare ca prostii)dupa care au venit sa vorbeasca si cu noi .Dupa vreo 5 minute de “vai ce frumos e in turism,bla bla bla” ne-a zis sa venim Marti(adica azi) la ora 9:30 .Total si profund stresati am hotarat sa mergem la narghilea(that was fun).

Astazi de dimineata la 9:15 eram acolo dar am mai asteptat sa se faca 9:30 .La 9:30 am intrat in agentie si tipa de acolo ne-a zis sa asteptam ca n-a venit sefa agentiei(alta decat directoarea).Am plecat la McDonalds sa bem o cafea sau ceai si ne-am intors la 10:00 cand aia tot nu venise si ne-am pus din nou pe asteptat(si pe ras)pana pe la 11:00 cand am mers la directorat (sau ce-o fi ala) care era in alta cladire din apropiere si am mai asteptat si acolo vreo jumatate de ora dupa care a venit o secretara,ne-a facut copii dupa buletin si ne-a dus inapoi la agentie unde sefa,care venise intre timp ,s-a gandit ca ar fi foarte util sa invatam cum sa impartim pliante la lume pe strada deci ne-a dat vreo 1000000000000000 de pliante sa le dam prin zona si asa ne-am petrecut urmatoarele 2 ore in soare,aglomeratie batand drumurile centrului de la Pta Romana la Pta Victoriei si retur apoi ne-a mai dat cateva si ne-a zis sa venim maine la 10:00 ca pt ziua de azi a fost destul.Am luat restul pliantelor,le-am aruncat frumos in mai multe cosuri de gunoi in drum spre Pta Universitatii si am venit frumusel acasa dupa 4 ore de stat in picioare .Total nefolositor,obositor si plictisitor dar ne-am amuzat copios de situatia data.Sa vedem ce tampenii facem maine.

Acum incerc sa-mi iau House de pe net da’ nu merge klumea,I hate my life.

Vai,nu se poate,azi incepe practica si mi-e o frica de nu mai pot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Problema mea e de fapt 2(ca sa ma exprim cat mai “corect” si mai vanghelieste posibil) :

1)n-am mai lucrat pana acum(la varsta de aproape 21 de ani) .Acesta este momentul in care lumea zice: “pai daca esti lenesa !” dar nu ma intereseaza comentariile de genul asta.

2) in 2 ani de facultate nu am invatat absolut nimic. Si aici simt comentariile de genul :”pai daca nu inveti…….!” dar iarasi nu ma intereseaza.

Nu am mai lucrat pt ca nu am avut nevoie si pentru ca,matematica mea de totala balta sau mai bine zis mlastina,groapa de gunoi ceva,a ajuns la concluzia ca o sa muncesc 40 de ani de acum pana la batranete deci de ce sa ma chinui cand nu am vreo nevoie urgenta de un salariu de incepator.

Nu am invatat nimic din 2 motive principale : 1) nu am rabdare/putere de concentrare sa stau sa invat de cand eram mica(cred ca am ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder) iar daca nu ma pasioneaza absolut deloc e si mai rau si 2) nu inteleg,n-am inteles si nu voi intelege niciodata materii “reale” gen matematica,economie,contabilitate,econometrie,statistica pe care nu m-a anuntat nimeni ca o sa le fac in draci la o facultate intradevar economica dar de TURISM(si da,am intrebat inainte).Adica,stiam eu ca o sa facem economie da’ chiar in halul asta si amestecata cu gramezi de contabilitate si statistica?

Asa ca acum,azi Luni 12 Mai sunt in pragul unui atac de panica pentru ca mi-e frica si pentru ca mai rar am eu trairi da’ si cand le am sunt intense.Mi-e frica pt ca stiu ca nu am invatat nimic din facultate deci daca o sa am nevoie de materiile de acolo e clar ca nu o sa ma descurc si o sa ma fac de ras.Parca vad cum toata inteligenta mea nativa,cultura generala,geografia,istoria si limbile straine nu o sa ma ajute la absolut nimic *cries hard*.

Bine ca macar maine cand banuiesc ca intram in paine am House sa ma calmeze cand vin acasa.

It’s sad to be me !!!